paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- worries of the second where do i go from here I've been reflecting on recognition lately. What is the difference between wanting to see recognition for your work and wanting your work to be owned so fully across an institution that it becomes part of the institution and is not about the individual behind the curtain. And, really, no one sees the curtain as a curtain. I've been thinking about nesting baskets. How smaller baskets fit inside larger baskets, still larger baskets. How the smaller basket is known only by the exterior of the larger basket. How the expanse of its space defines and limits the knowledge of the smaller baskets inside the layers. And yet, the smaller basket wouldn't work on the shelf and would be in competition with far too many baskets of all sizes, without this nesting structure. Or even, to get hi-tech, we can drill down through layers of folders and document in a computer, for example. I've been thinking about geographies of scale. How important it is becoming to get to the low levels of analysis -- house by house, person by person, and to use those levels to inform the view at 30,000 feet. Technology enables us to base our generalizations on specifics. It enables us to have a completely different relationship to facts. And as we learn to differentiate and negotiate the detailed landscape of our lives, our work and our knowledge, it feels increasingly important to yearn for singular recognition. I can't bring into harmony the fact that my boss values social capital -- how many times she sees my name or the program name in circulation. And yet, I am part of another center and so people tend to name the center, it undercuts me. But part of me wants to encourage the association with the center, too. Because at the end of the day, I am part of the center. Shouldn't the company be the company be the company? Do we really need to struggle on our own team for popularity? 40 years ago, the answer would be no. Today, with all of the different ways of keeping tabs and track, the various ways of publicizing and promoting, the answer is yes. I don't know where I am heading. I guess I just wish I could (or the program I run could) be recognized from time to time instead of people wanting to please the esquire and promoting everything under the larger basket. Which she guards, on own of the top shelves of the university. It comes home to roost. Because in my weaker hours I worry that I am an ego maniac craving ever more power. I worry that there is a part of me that wants to attract and pull like a great tractor beam. And I worry that that is some sort of alien value that got jabbed into me on accident. And it grows. One day, I won't recognize myself. I'll have flashy manicures, blinding teeth and structured hair. I'll carry the handbag of the second and turn everything into a verb that was a noun and a noun that was a verb, because I can. Worries about being a professional when all I ever wanted to be was deep, poetic and creative. Worries that I can't be professional enough not to be overlooked in the competition. 6:34 p.m. - 2003-10-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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