paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- inputs outputs shotputs Deadlines like these grab me at the gut level and produce a jittery and sick feeling, like when I was a child doing my math homework. The work is completely cut and dry -- a matter of tackeling the logic problem, keying in the answers to the thought process. I like the logic problem but the keying of the results, the showing of my work, that is what gets me fidgety. I think, I need a big reward for seeing this project through to completion. I think, how physically painful it is to make the abstract concrete and measurable, to devise honest and ethical ways to take credit for providing the opportunity for individual transformation. The tangle of roots and decay just under the surface of that pond don't make this task any easier. The digital minutes transform one into the next, moving to five o'clock, when I want to have this done, when I want to be on my way home for a nice evening. And still my matrix has blank spaces, gulfs and gaps in my thinking mock me and begin second-guessing themselves while I go sharpen my pencil again. While I think, I really don't care for the quality of most "give-away" pencils. I really prefer pencils with ridges, as opposed to smooth, round pencils, for their precision. Ultimately, it must all make its way to the matrix and present itself on one page -- I joked with the esquire this morning that we literally would then be speaking from the same page and she didn't see the humor. The esquire does not understand performance measurement but thinks she invented it. This adds to my physical reaction, because I know that it won't be as good as she could have done, but, she won't contribute. If there was ever a conundrum worth Fritos, I suppose this would count. But, I'm using this diary entry as my substitute for Fritos. It lasts longer, costs less and has less fat. The faster I complete the work at hand the sooner I can go outside and play. People say that math is not necessary to most aspects of contemporary life. I disagree. It is math that taught me to get my math packet done instead of dragging it out, making it take longer than necessary. It is math that taught me that approach is as important as arriving at an answer / the answer. And so this is rather like math with language. Input = me at the computer moving what is in my mind to the matrix and merging the result with the grant application to produce outputs, int-outcomes and end-outcomes. Output = one day when I leave work early. 3:22 p.m. - 2003-09-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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