paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- resolve meets cleanser I�m not a bit tired. Although I should be tucking myself into bed like the responsible citizen I am. Getting enough democratic sleep to show up refreshed for the work day tomorrow. I hope everyone else drags in tired. I hope everyone else has for one of their new year�s resolutions to be less competitive. I have one resolution that is mine and another that I feel belongs to me and my culture. My resolution is the same as last year�s � on the general level I would like to be less haphazard about how I conduct my life. I am given to drifting and floating, to be polite. I think it makes me difficult to live with and less productive. I try to be regimented, not as hard as Mother and the Major tried when I was young to inspire some discipline in my ways. Mother said to me the summer I was eleven �This summer you will not lay around and read those books, write those stories or do any more artwork � you are going to be a junior counselor at the YMCA in exchange for your pool membership. You can get a tan, help out, and make something of yourself.� This was the beginning of the banishment of art supplies in the house. At two I began cutting up junk mail with round little scissors and chubby little hands and gluing it into some baby version of pre-collages. At three I added paint and found objects. By five I had branched into oil pastels. After my parent�s divorce it was decided that I would lead a practical life � look what good that did me � and so I have struggled trying to meet these standards. A creative life has a different sense of pace and timing. Ideas and inspiration take cultivation. But I am extremely fortunate because I have a strong and adaptable mind. I have a �good job� with a �title� and a �salary� and a basically nice life. But I want to just be more efficient in the basically nice life because I think that through increased efficiency I can better lead this double life � academic professional by day, creative person by night�without also living in an environment that lacks order. I have a relative who was a semi-famous poet. What fascinates me about him was that he met his obligations to his family, loved his wife and children, earned a living (although a small one). Yet he was still quite bohemian and managed to complete many volumes of poetry at a slow but steady pace. He was also an incredibly sharp dresser and had a body like Adonis, but only short. Sometimes I make up conversations with him because he is no longer alive. I am just old enough to have barely known him. Discipline is what is behind works of genius and talent, he would say to me. It does not matter how you learn it, but that you find a way to maintain it in your life. Without it, you cannot reach your dreams. Really, it is me talking to myself in a fictive way, but what ever works�. So I am working on being less haphazard not because I am pathetic but because I want to reach my goals. Being less haphazard will help me focus my energy, work ethic and drive in ways that get me farther down the road. What I do professionally � help focus resources in new ways � I need to do personally. My specific new year�s resolution is a continuation from last year. I want to keep in better touch with friends and family. This worked out last year � I can say that I actually was successful at a resolution. So I�d like to continue it this year. The resolution that belongs to me and the rest of American culture is that I want to loose weight. This is the common resolution and certainly the one so many people want for themselves or someone else. The esquire, after finding out about my thyroid disease, came into my office and informed that I will be able to loose some weight. Rudeness aside, I have this hope also. It is horrible to exercise every day and diet and not loose an ounce. No wonder it is so hard to keep at it. So now that I have entered the world of continuous lifelong medication perhaps it will be easier. So, the end of vacation is here. I had a nice vacation � visiting friends and family, cleaning house, playing games, laughing, finding order and balance. I have proven to myself that I do not need to work to be productive in my life�.. But, that is a luxury that is not mine right now. And really, I am just so relieved to have a job at all these days that I have a much better attitude about returning to it tomorrow. Over 8 million people nationwide are out of work, I heard on the news tonight. That might be a bit like the working-age adult population of our four-state area being out of work. While I have plenty of scholarship and writing to do with my days, I am glad to be able to keep the luxury of a house that I love and a car and food and clothes�.. I think I am seeing signs of a happy and productive year ahead. Now, to just hope it�s a peaceful one as well. 11:43 p.m. - 2003-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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