paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- synthetic synthesis Yay! My annotated bibliography is complete! This makes me feel the insane need to use exclamation points all over the place. I will resist and contain myself to two, which really, is over-board. But oh well. It isn�t every day that I finish the last annotated bibliography of my career in graduate school. Members of the English Department have been wondering whether I was plotting to attempt tenure as a student. Next semester is my last and I will be taking a seminar in creative writing poetry and a class on critical theory that will look at the politics of space, post-modernism, and the lasting impact of modularization in our culture. Today the Esquire said, �what does that have to do with literature? What literature will you read about that?� But then the Esquire thought that post-modernism exists only in architecture. Today, while traveling to distance suburbs for an appointment with my doctor, I noticed a pervading pattern of cranes trailing further and further south and west. It occurred to me how much they look like dinosaurs, popping their heads up over the trees. I kept thinking about time and speed and these cranes. Did the brontosaurus move quickly? Or would it have moved slowly but due to its immense size, would it have covered territories at such an extensive rate that it actually moved quickly? In which case I could see in those cranes building the suburbs a comparison to the brontosaurus. It seems that they move slowly but every time I am out there, a new chunk of country has disappeared. This morning I arrived to work to a wonderful e-mail from my development officer friend (I refer to her as friend DOF sometimes). I think she may be newly single, because there is something about how her partner did not come up the last time we lunched, a vacation without her partner, and now this e-mail inviting me to go to Weston to check out the gallery of a mutual acquaintance of ours�. Schemes keep running across my mind� horrible schemes of connections. I spend my days acting as a matchmaker between community organizations and faculty and students. I hope all this talk of me as matchmaker is not seeping into my groundwater, so to speak. Because friend DOF told me that if this relationship did not work out, she was not getting into another, ever again. And I do not know that anything at all happened, except, I let my imagination get carried away. I was an overly-anxious reader of the situation�.. I feel so like a problematic Jane-Austen-character, driving plot and confusion wherever she goes. Yet, she does not know my other friend who keeps asking me, jokingly but with a point, whether I have found her a girlfriend. So much talk of suitable partners among my friends. It seems there is a big shake up every few years and I think that we are in one of those times. People come tumbling out in a new and different combinations. It will be fun to see friend DOF and to see the gallery friend. I met her first as a preschool teacher and art teacher at an early learning center. And we served on a committee together before realizing that her ex-husband was really good friends with my father� and oh god� she remembered me as a girl. To which I countered that I remembered her in a gypsy skirt and a peasant blouse. And we had a good chuckle. I miss the people I used to work with a great deal. Mostly it has to with how many years it takes to get to get chummy and comfortable with people in a professional setting. And I guess it is not about being comfortable, but I think the best work is done in teams that are comfortable with each other. So my doctor�s visit revealed that I am in deed woman with health concerns. But none of them will kill me, so that is good news. My doctor has an African American male nurse, which I dig. He is in graduate school studying health care administration and strikes me as incredibly intelligent. My doctor is a thirty-something white woman with bags under her eyes and a bad hair cut. But somehow, between the two of them, I am, for the first time getting good health care. This is a big deal to me because one thing I do not whine about on these pages is that I have had constant pain for nine years on my right side. There have been a few days where I have woken up full of energy and feeling great, to notice that there was no pain, only to have it return. This doctor and nurse took me seriously. They asked questions, felt around. Listened to all of my other health complaints. Ordered tests. And now I know the first wave of what is wrong with me. It is not scary, but will be involved and will probably feel like an ordeal, because, all things health related feel like an ordeal. I have a growth that is 3.75� in diameter on my ovary. And this astounds me because I keep thinking that a growth needs to be smaller than the thing on which it grows. But that is not the case with this scenario. So that could cause pain. And the doctors at the HMO never ordered an ultrasound, despite my complaints. What is also upsetting is that I internalized this as my being over-dramatic and I just did not deal with it. Until I became incredibly tired and a host of other symptoms and complaints filled out my list. I decided I would try again at a suburban doctor. And now I know that my estrogen level is the same as someone post-menopause. That my thyroid is not functioning and tomorrow morning I start my first medicine. On the up side, I know that my cholesterol levels are excellent and so is my blood pressure. This doctor really took her time to explain everything that was wrong, and about the plan for action. But I kept thinking that it must be a drag to deliver this sort of news to someone. Do I feel vindicated that yes, there is a reason for the pain? Do I feel relieved that after a few more appointments I will be able to get it removed? Do I feel angry that no one looked into my complaints� I�ve had the same complaints for several years�.. Maybe a bit of each. But I am glad to know what is wrong. And I am glad that it is not something truly horrible. These are the sorts of things that are a drag and are time-consuming. But I will also be able to feel better soon, and for that, I will keep working in the appointments, referrals, and test. I need some sleep! Urgh, midterms. Shhh. Tomorrow I am going to class without having read the material. It is so hard to do the reading when a paper is due (my rationalization.) Because I wanted to make an update here, and I want to visit the pup who is serving a sentence in the kitchen for being a pest. 12:19 a.m. - 2002-10-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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