paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bits of construction paper An exhausting day today was a relieved a bit by a mid-afternoon coffee with my favorite professor. We tried for an end-of-the coffee last week but got our times confused. So we met today for ninety minutes out of our busy, hurried weeks. Casually watching our watches, so as to not be obvious, it is difficult to find the time catch up these days. We both had to zip off to meetings. Sometimes we can really rack up the hours talking about post-modernism, higher education, the humanities. And we are also talking more about our lives, and that feels good. I have a special place in my heart for this professor , although he does not know it. I�ve been having a rough time in my job and appreciated doing some scheming about it outside of the confines of the office. For being able to schmooze with one of the best-regarded faculty at the university, and to talk to him completely openly. I said �I get nervous because I am afraid that I can�t do this. That I am going to fall down.� And he said �You will probably fall down a time or two. But when you get up, you will do something better and more innovative than if you are unwilling to fall.� This is what I love about working with faculty, why I wanted to work at the university in the first place � they appreciate the process and the struggle of starting new programs and initiatives, exchanging ideas, trying to continually improve. Sometimes, I am defensive in my job because I feel under fire by the Esquire. The atmosphere in our office is killing my creativity and I had a realization�.. But for it to make sense I have to tell a quick story. I used to be afraid of public speaking, yet had a job and was doing work that put me in a national spotlight in this one particular field. I found myself being asked to give presentations and workshops to large audiences and I struggled with them. A presentation could absolutely ruin an entire month for me it caused me so much stress. Quinn�s mother and I were exchanging e-mail and I mentioned to her the trouble I had with public speaking, and she gave me this advice: don�t think about yourself up there in front of the group, think about your message for the audience and work to make certain they are getting it. Essentially, she advised me to ask my internal editor to quit critiquing me and worrying about what others must think of me and to channel that concern into the action of communication. The next time I gave a speech, I reflected only on what I was going to say. Not on whether or not I would do a good job. It worked. Life is no different. Twice a week I sit in my Milton class and watch the Milton professor struggle with the sea of blank faces. Three times he has, with a sense of self-defeat and frustration, asked us to take out a piece of paper and write our suggestions for what could make the class better. What I wish I had the courage to write is this �I appreciate how conscientious you are about your teaching. I appreciate that you are fresh out of graduate school. My suggestion for improving the study of Milton is for you to focus more on what you want to teach us about Milton and less on your teaching. As a new teacher, I know this is hard for you. You may want to make a good impression and may have a lot to show to yourself and the department. But just relax and think about Milton and help us think about Milton.� Then I would tell him my story. Instead I write things like �we don�t have to cover everything that we read in class.� Or, �maybe we need to think about other ways of collecting and expressing our thoughts.� Lately, I have been realizing that I am so worried about being the assistant director � doing a good job and having a lot to show to myself and my department � that I am not thinking enough about my passion for community-based learning. Yesterday I started changing my approach to my job. Thinking more about the work and how much I believe in this method of teaching than about how I feel about the Esquire or the other realities of my job. It is the difference between having a job and wanting to do something that will help others learn more about who they are and the great stuff they can do. I think I am more interested in the second scenario. Back to my coffee. The professor and I talked about a whole variety of things, beginning with the personal stuff � ending relationships, beginning relationships, what it is like when one�s imagination is no longer in the relationship, when two people are performing the habit of their relationship more than constantly reaffirming their choice and interest in having a life together. (Note � this is not me talking about Quinn and I � it was more a conversation about endings, of which I have had two big ones in my life.) I am incredibly interested in endings and have written several stories about the end of the end of a relationship. We also talked about my writing, about the task force I staff and on which he serves, about the university and the possibility of changes to the curriculum for undergrads�. We talked about post-modernism and modular construction and assembly and the implications this ability has for architecture and design of urban areas and the politics of space. The professor put a plug in for me take his grad seminar next semester. And then we started talking about how no one understands English (not the country but people who majored in) people. How we are a discipline made up of people who fit in many disciplines or who cannot see themselves in only one discipline. The professor says that he looks at it this way. Imagine a group of people cutting out their shape from a piece of construction paper. They finish and take their shape off and have a happy life. English people are left with all of the remaining construction paper and know what to do with it. Off to work on that Milton paper! 8:48 p.m. - 2002-10-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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