paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lucky charms not the cereal Alchera Project Entry OPTION NO. FIVE: What is your lucky charm? Tell us its story. If you don't have one, what would you like to be your lucky charm? Why would that thing bring you luck? Protection I never had a lucky charm, never believed in lucky charms, until I met my partner. And then I began searching the physical world for symbols, patterns and signs. When I found pennies in the road or on the sidewalk, I pretended that that meant I was on my way to some greater destiny. At least greater than my job at the university, sitting in a cubicle, with a phone that I shared with the registrar�s special modem (this was quite a while back) and terminal computer hooked in directly to the main frame so when the entire rest of the office had LAN difficulties, I was the only one who �got� to keep working. I find myself still pretending that this was the best job I�ve ever had because I could leave it at 5:00 p.m. and sometimes before. I could work fast and have plenty of time, after reducing the pile of folders in my �in tub� to an acceptable stack and moving them on to the next cog in the enrollment assembly line, to still get in a few random lines of poetry. What I admit to no one (until now) is that that was not my favorite job ever, in fact, that time in my life went from the bleak, insignificant existence of work, marriage, owning a vintage clothing store where I worked in the evenings and weekends, housekeeping, cooking, to leaving everything and becoming someone that four months earlier I never could have imagined being. And that was when my life changed so drastically, I needed a lucky charm. I needed to look for affirmations in the random patterns of circumstance and coincidence. Back when we were dating (after I was newly separated from my husband), my current partner gave me a necklace. It was a silver coin with some zodiac-looking markings on it that hung on a piece of black leather. She gave it to me in response to a dream she had had a few days earlier. In the dream, she gave it to me for protection, and so when she gave it to me for real, she said it was for protection. In many ways, it is not a lucky charm, because its bespoken power is that of protection. Yet often, one basic and broad form of luck is protection. It was luck that the bullet missed her heart by an inch. It was luck that a stranger stepped on her shoe lace, kept her from walking out into traffic just as the big, one-owner dump truck whirled around the corner. Luck that she found five dollars just when she was broke, hungry, and feeling her blood sugar do exotic things. Sometimes I forget how much of life that feels like luck is really a form of protection, even if unwilled. When I think about it, late at night, it becomes hard to believe that life is a random series of exchanges and small decisions. But when I have the luxury to think about the unbridled thoughts during the day, I have difficulty separating myself from the urgency of what needs to be accomplished to see much that is interconnected. A few years back I stopped wearing this necklace every day. I had worn the surface off of it, finish and all, over the years. It became something that I wore under my clothes, next to my skin. And then somehow it became impractical or it didn�t go well with some junior cheap pseudo-corporate attire (I hate it that I cannot remember). I wore it only for travel and on really rough days. Then I just began borrowing my partner�s lucky charm for big meetings and travel � it being, after all, a real lucky charm and incredibly potent. And this piece of my history, of our history, was put carefully in a very special box. Then one day last week, I took it out and wore it. And all day, I felt a sense of connection and protection. I felt reminded that there is one person who loves me in the world. When I really think about it, late at night, that is the best kind of luck. But I wish I would be lucky enough to remember it all day, every day. I guess that is the real appeal of the charm. 12:13 a.m. - 2003-03-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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