paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- quantum whining I began this morning by meeting my friend M. at a French caf� for coffee and a croissant. The early morning, far earlier than I normally leave the house, was magical. Dark purple and navy blue sky, headlights and taillights and nearly an inch of the best kind of snow. The snow that is heavy and wet and perfect for snowmen or snowballs. The snow as a child I used to call Saturday snow. Because this type of snow never gets children out of school and is usually followed by a cold snap which freezes it solid. So only on a Saturday or a Sunday can be any fun. But still, it seemed magical and I found myself wishing that the early morning lasted longer. Work was more of the same crap all day. Stella had a melt down and pitched a much-deserved fit at the community liaison. The esquire whined on the phone to her husband and was low-energy and annoying. The community liaison whined about how she has so much work to do that she is terrified � she used the world terrified. And it was all I could do to remain calm. I work so hard all day, such long days, and keep pushing my mountain forward, completely alone. And people say, wow, look at that big mountain you have there. And, do you think you could push it any faster? Or, I like what you are doing, there, as you push that mountain, but I won�t join you until you get it heaved over this line. Until it rests on the other side of this line, don�t count me in. Have you ever seen a mountain move? The way it tills up all that soil and grinds up all that rock. And the esquire says, it�s gray. My snowy mountain is gray. I didn�t want a gray mountain. You�ve ruined it. I knew you couldn�t do this. Why didn�t you push a volcano? A volcano would have been better. All that lava, pouring over the community and the university. Keeping us warm in this dreadful winter weather. I don�t know. Hate is such a useless word for such a stupid place. It is easy to get distracted by the mission, at first. But no matter where I have worked, it has never been about the mission. It has been about the egos of the directors. And I tell myself it is good that I work for nonprofit organizations. Look at the good I am accomplishing. And all day, all week, all month, all year, it is all about the egos of the directors. Their professional reputations. And I think how dare you. At our university, we are in the midst of quantum change and I have a new definition for it. Quantum change is taking a homely boy from a disadvantaged background and having him audition for the Hollywood movies. Quantum change tells him that unless he lands the part, he is a failure. Not recognizing the courage to come from the middle of nowhere, with no one expecting he can do it, with no one caring to see the talent in his soul, he gets up in front of the camera. Clearing his throat, he demands attention from everyone waiting on the sure thing, and somehow transforms the odds. Somehow he becomes the person that he is inside for that camera. I think we all have those people inside � the ones who run, back flip, front flip, leap, ice skate, sing and dance. The one who walks, eyes locked on the horizon, knowing nothing but the goal ahead. Simply and brilliantly, he changes from the way he is in reaction to the underwhelmed snub of our mass culture and explodes into who he could be. Right there. On film. No one at our university knows how destructive it is to be forced to �quantum change� on demand. To be told to become some great � a leader, a visionary � but to be handed a handbook of rules and codes and values thicker than the guide to your dreams. To have to stand out there, and wonder, am I worth it? Do I risk it? Or shall I just continue along my course of disappointment. No longer is it enough to just work hard and hope to come home to some tiny scrap of evening, some little reward for being �responsible.� The language at our university is personal. The goals are your goals. These goals are my goals. No raises for the 4th year in a row. Health insurance increased for the third year in a row. Many, many positions left unfilled from early retirement packages. And it will get worse. But that is no reason to think that we will not meat the impossible goals our leader set out for us. And what amazes me is that I keep pushing that mountain. And Quinn keeps tugging her river down to meet the sea. And we are surviving. We manage to laugh, are glad to have paychecks, are glad for our comfort, in these really hard times. There is nothing like quantum whining. I don�t feel just better. I feel leaps better, getting that all unburdened. Tomorrow there will be a new set of atrocities to overlook as I keep my eyes clamped on my own goals, figuring out how, if I�ve got to do it anyway, there can be something in quantum change for me. 11:15 p.m. - 2003-02-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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