paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- galloping at midnight--corrected Newly corrected! I accidentally spelled "sun" as "son" on the last entry... a little carryover from all that Paradise Lost the past month.... Happy holidays! I�ve been away from my online journal for far too long! But I am finally feeling some peace after a fall with too much activity and obligation. I�m tired but feel am beginning to feel good that soon I will be saying happy holidays, reading books and writing poetry. The past two days I have been in Lincoln on family business. I left early Thursday morning and had the privilege of driving into a huge, full moon. When I started my drive it was up in the sky and looked like a regular moon. But as I traveled further north and the morning crept in behind me, the moon became bigger, fuller, golden from the reflection of the sun. And I watched the moon set. I don�t know that I have ever watched a moon set before � at least not one this full and round, disappearing into the long stretch of highway, it seemed, so close to me. I felt truly as though we live on a planet that whirls around a sun, in a galaxy, in a universe. When I look at pictures of outer space I sometimes feel so far removed (and yes, I know, I am very far removed and that our earth wears a great sweater of atmosphere�.). Living in the city, I rarely see stars and certainly not a moon hanging in the sky. Sometimes looking round about the size of a quarter, neatly peaking out through a tree or around a building. But not a full moon, warped by the way we are turning into it only to turn away and face a big beautiful sunny day. And what a big beautiful sunny day it was. The air was crisp and cold, but the sun�s warmth felt great on my cheeks. I�ve been thinking a lot about the pain I feel in my family. I have not been able to figure it out. Certainly they have been treating me as a collector�s item, ever since my father and I had a falling out. My aunt and grandmother have been absolutely teary around me. And they were extremely proud of how smart I was during this big meeting � my grandmother said �you sounded just as though you know something.� This phrase sums up the culture of achievement in my family that is difficult to explain. Because there is some part of me that would like to know something, and not just sound as though I do. But in my family, the farther down the family tree anyone is from the great grand one, the less we can ever hope to know. In these days that are not as great as days used to be, one cannot hope to really grasp the greatness of life. Unless, of course, one gallops on horseback at midnight through fields of snow under a full moon. The secrets come in the cold, at a fast pace, in the midst of a quiet vastness. They are not at a crowded caf� or laying on a paper on the sidewalk being trampled by the masses of people. And when anyone has lived their life right enough to ride up to the glory of being, it would be helpful to know some Tennyson to shout out into the night. It is in this great myth that I have grown up, uncertain of where my subtle ways fit. There is no point in believing that the best of life is over because we all choose our lives. Just like we choose where we live or what we eat, we choose our thoughts and beliefs and the knowledge that we seek. And there is no shortage of choice, it just takes a more flexible vision than my family members have. But this does not mean I have to feel badly about who I am just because I am not on that horse. 11:01 p.m. - 2002-12-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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