paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dibs and dabs Tonight, a quick update. Tomorrow I have a big task force meeting all morning, followed by a smaller meeting with Dr. Popcorn Brain and the Esquire. I am as ready as I will ever be. At the same time, I am reminded of what I used to say that about tests�. It meant then that there was no point in studying if I didn�t know the material the night before the test. When it is your daily life, there comes a time, when meetings have to cease being a huge deal. And I guess the time has arrived. In my old job at the umbrella agency, I ran so many meetings. But it was a humbler place than the Esquire�s office. She wants everything to have a fancy image, but I think faculty prefer substance over flash. And I know my program. Still, I can�t help but admit I am nervous. The Esquire has taken to blaming me for her failings. Today she got angry at me over something that had nothing to do with me� except in her (scary) mind. And it was one of her better fits. I composed myself, walked out of her office, got a drink of water. Still, as I sipped my water by the cooler, I could feel my shoulders starting to shake. The extra blinks. Exactly what I would never want to happen at the office. Tears. I decided to run an errand, to get soda and water for the task force meeting. They started while I was still in the main hall, but I managed to get to my car before I really started crying. No one saw. I am tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in the office. One day I will find a new job and then we will see where the Esquire is left. The problem is, I like my initiative. Sometimes I hope that Dr. Popcorn Brain will beam me up into his office. But I know that is just an idle fantasy. Today, I hit that bottom from which I am emerging a stronger me. In my life, I go through patterns of breaking down and rebuilding, and I have yet to not make it. Tomorrow I will talk to the group about where we are with the plans and where we still need to go. I know that it needs to happen for context and clarity and I am going to have the confidence to do it. But I am not going to practice it a bunch. Instead, I am going to bring in my chart and talk them through it. Today I felt a bit manic. But at the same time, I connected with several people that I have not been in touch with for past couple months. First, my favorite professor and I have a coffee appointment and in addition to talking about my work, he mentioned that he wanted to talk about other things. This is always nice � I really like to talk to him about stuff beyond work and my Sisyphusian effort at completing my graduate degree. On the way to class I saw my advisor and waved at her. She was so amazed at my gesture that she crossed the street to come and talk to me. We have a strange relationship and I cannot tell if she even recalls that once, when I was walking into her class, she pinched me on the rear end. When I turned around quickly, she covered her mouth in a giggle and pointed to the graduate student next to her. A wierd primary-school, teasing sort of thing to do. No pinches today, fortunately. Instead, we had a conversation about Milton and got a long just fine. I do not know how to interpret her. She presents like she is a lesbian, but is not. She was so weird to me at the beginning of our time together, and now, we just chat. But the pinch is �out there� for me. And I think she is so eccentric that she completely does not remember. And sometimes, when we chat, I come close to forgetting what it was like to have her for a class and to have to drop because she gave me a D on a paper. The lowest grade I have ever gotten is an A-, so the D seemed so from no where. Did I miss an opportunity to learn something from her? Or was she out to get me? I�ve pondered this quite a bit over the years, but now, I just try to be friendly. We are stuck together. I have a spot on her shelf. She has a spot in my big mental lake of unsolved mysteries. She is like an Oldsmobile that was pushed off a cliff into a deep, bottomless lake. I spoke three times in Milton today. And with one comment the professor thought a moment and said �that�s neat.� Today we had class outside in the quad area under a tree. Apart from the shady grass being a bit damp from the sprinkler, it was a nice change. I heard from my development officer friend. She apparently had been taken in by a whirlwind of activity since returning from Alaska. She volunteers a lot for this health project for people who are uncomfortable interacting with the health care system. They provide well-woman visits and tests and she goes to events and tries to reach women who are in need of mammograms and other sorts of female health procedures. Which was ironic, given the topic of yesterday�s press conference which hauled me out of bed so early. The fall season has arrived. It is so great to see people out and about, with lots of energy, doing things. I wonder sometimes how I am seeming to my friends. I told Stella today that I have lost all faith and confidence in myself and she had noticed. I began wondering whether other people had noticed. But I decided that it didn�t matter. I really value friendship and feel extremely fortunate to have a handful of good friends. With the exception of my two aunts, I am not at all close to my family. We have nothing in common and are so spread apart. I have first cousins that I do not even know. I think it is an effect of generations of divorce. Families become complicated and strained. And after a while, there are too many strands of family, all of whom cannot be lumped together for a big Christmas. Both of my parents have parents who divorced. And both of my parents are remarried, my father on his fifth wife. So imagine how well I have taken to understanding exponents. That was not a hard algebra lesson for me. Before my step-father, the Major, lost his parents, I had six sets of grandparents living in four different states. My family is both large and small. There are networks within my families and I am not in most of them, which does not really bother me. What intrigues me is that, almost like a reflection of this disjointed family, none of my friends know each other. So I am contemplating a late-October fall gathering�. 11:18 p.m. - 2002-09-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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