paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary

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citizenship and the demoralization bug

Lately I have been feeling demoralized.

At work.

It is not enough that the Esquire was in a Glenda the Good Witch mood today. That we sort of made up from our difficulty on Wednesday. She came in all sweet to me and noticed a picture I have up of the pipsqueak in my office, which I have had up for seven months�. We discussed how adorable the pipsqueak is, how she can see his personality in the photograph. We chatted about the expansion of the Institution in my neighborhood and about how annoying it is when groups of people are unwilling to think creatively. About how we have this group of the same people, not thinking creatively about development in our city, who keep surfacing and forcing ill-conceived projects to fruition. Basically, we got back in touch with our common ground � which is why I left the umbrella agency and came to a place as odd as this, in the first place. So it is difficult when the Esquire does her Glenda routine because I never want to upset it by having to rain on her parade about something, which seems to be my role as office realist. I would rather not be office realist�.

This afternoon a woman from the safety office down the hall happened by and wanted to see our new space. I was showing her around the place and she said �where are your sprinklers and exit signs?� Well campus facilities who did the design and remodel forgot about the sprinklers and exit signs. So we have to be torn up, again. I am trying to push this back until late October. All of this has so little to do with being Assistant Director of Service-Learning.

As a citizen.

The expansion of the Institution was approved by the city council. I knew it would be, but at the same time, I had to hope that this city would stop compromising its strengths. Like most medium-sized cities, State City struggles with sprawl and with decaying infrastructure. In the 1970�s a large chunk of our tax base became settlers of the vast suburbs, in an on-going flight. As State City pushes further and further out it is almost as if the bonus for any powerful group that makes a commitment to stay is the privilege of running rough-shot over the inner city. This unfortunate trend, set in motion thirty years ago that has ruined this city which at one time was a beautiful, wonderful city. Not a time that I remember, and not even a time I can reach. But it is possible to see it in fragments and to add the fragments up to get a flash of what State City could have been. I have been working on photographing this for years.

I am becoming extremely jaded. Our country, our state and our city are in the wrong hands and I hope I die before � is pretty much how I look at politics these days. I used to think that I could make a difference on the local level but I am completely disheartened there also. I run the risk of becoming some hair-brained freak blasting about with a bunch of wild opinions and exaggerated ideas. It is time to stop participate in things for State City. I have been at too many tables and nothing has changed. I am convinced that the only reason cities reach out to anyone is just to say that they did and not actually to listen and certainly not to act. They just need head counts � no more focus groups on pedestrian friendly cities, no more giving up Saturdays for our local version of Agenda 21 to tell me that I need to make a difference as a citizen. If I have to tell one more time how it is impossible to cross eight lanes of traffic in the four seconds the walk light gives us on the corner of Main and Knife one more time, �. If I have to beg for the city to help us get the big hospital to sign the petition for our block to purchase new sidewalks one more time�. Call the neighborhood advocate, who simply won�t be bothered by this sort of mundanety. Meanwhile people trip and fall. There is a gap that is 15 inches in the sidewalk on our block� One night I tripped and hurt my knee so badly that I couldn�t walk correctly and was not without pain for well over a year.

My heart continues to break as a see our main street being torn down and replaced with box stores. As I see our storefronts empty. As I see our central core being controlled by institutions and businesses not our local government and their constituents.

About five years ago I took my democratic soul to the neighborhood level and thought I could contribute there. Forget it. To do anything of value, we need the city. They tell us, why did you approve the Shopping District area plan. We didn�t. Mister Big Business whose family once owned the shopping district and the hospital cooked up that plan and got it passed despite our neighborhood�s concerns. Lots of people went to meetings, spoke up, and no one heard. The city tells us, quit selling your homes to these outfits. We don�t. As soon as an old person dies, the outfit is at the door of their out-of-town relatives offering cash. Because no one stays in this city�. So it makes me cranky and jaded when I try to make a difference only to be told these things�. Too many years have gone by, too many hours spent, the only difference I have managed to make is that I am frustrated and tired and sometimes I wish I could quit caring about wanting good quality of life in State City. I have no idea why have this passion for wanting to make this a better place to live.

I could have invested all of that time as a literacy volunteer and perhaps have helped to teach someone a few basic skills that may have made a difference in that person�s life.

What if I had been working on a book instead of writing newsletters for the neighborhood? Instead of going to different tables and thinking a whole bunch and coming up with really great ideas.� Instead of reading about how great other cities are and all of the innovative approaches they are taking and getting demoralized.

10:58 p.m. - 2002-08-30

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