paisleypiper's Diaryland Diary
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it�s not that i�m just incredibly happy
It�s not that I�m just incredibly happy
This evening I asked the question that forever remains rhetorical in our house. But we ask it from time-to-time, of each other: how do you tell someone you are gay?
I mean, I just have never worked that into a casual conversation. My friend L. is the master of letting everyone know, of being up-front about it and even, dare I mention it, natural. When L. is talking, being gay is not some secret self at home. It is a sunshiney, pride-filled part of life. I really admire this about her and about her self-confidence.
I didn�t bother dropping any bombs until Quinn and I were established. I knew well before then, but did not see the point in "upsetting" people without a situation, such as moving in together, to prompt me. When I did, people squished up their noses; they giggled. I lost lots of friends. Of course I didn�t say anything at work, but somehow, eventually, the ex-military clerk and the psychopath administrative assistant found out. The chief clerk with very few teeth but a giant cardboard Cr�che every Christmas in front of her desk, plotted to knock me down, pour holy water over my head and save me. From there it became more and more complicated, who to tell, how to mention it, when to work it into the conversation.
My friend M. doesn�t know and we had a big bonding experience together over the conference papers, for example. I really like M. and wish that we could talk about this part of my life when we talk about life. Because M. likes to talk about relationships and the every day delicasies of life. I wish she knew, but I wonder now if it is too late. Or does she know, because she figured it out or heard it from someone else, but is hurt that I haven�t shared that part of my life�.
Of course it is easy to tell people who are � you sense it in the initial conversations of friendship and begin asking and framing questions in such a way that it becomes perfectly clear. The whole friendship is not about being gay, that is not the point. The thing is, that sometimes it is awkward, or even misleading, for someone not to know.
Last September 11, Quinn�s coworker said to her, �I guess you will just have to go home and hug your puppy.� This person was sad to think that Quinn had no support system at home�even though she did, but not *officially. * Would Quinn stop then and do a big �coming out� production? Is it appropriate or even necessary? How would Miss Manners view this?
I see it as political, in a way, because no one has ever looked me in the eyes and said, �well, you know I�m heterosexual.� Although, that is not to say that women and men don�t hear �you know I�m not gay� at some point in their life. And occasionally a dude will become smitten with me, prompting my speech: �I am flattered, but I have someone special in my life. Besides, I make it a rule not to date anyone at work.� Today, Quinn saw the man who works in the department next to mine,follow me out of the office. She said �he has a grin just following you and calling out for you to have a nice day� does he *like* you?� I confessed that he was smitten with me�. that I have been readying the speech, because I don�t always think well on my feet�. that once I paid him the time of day and he has been asking people about me and telling people he liked me ever since.
The evening is ending, and I still do not know the answer to my question. I guess now I can refer people to my online diary. So even if they think I am weird, they will know that I long to be completely natural and open about my life�. And intend to begin taking bolder steps.
10:23 p.m. - 2002-07-30
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